27 | why we continue to use negative self-talk and how we can shift to positive self-talk
November 18, 2019
In today's solo episode, I answer your self-talk questions:
-Why do we talk negatively to ourselves?
-Why is positive self-talk is so important?
-Since we know both, why do we use negative self-talk? Why is positive self-talk is so important? Why do we still use negative self-talk?
-How do we take the power back? How can we shift our negative self-talk to positive self-talk?
-Would we be proud of ourselves if we spoke to others in the same way we spoke to ourselves?
Transcript:
I’ll be honest, I’ve been in a rut with this passion of mine lately. I don’t know if I was not feeling inspired, annoyed by the logistics, or feeling like the content I was putting out wasn’t “good enough.” Whatever that means (which is something very relevant to today’s episode). I decided to remove this “good enough” phrase from my vocabulary and go back to why I’m doing this. Although I love creating content for others and helping all of you, I create this content because I want to make art out of life, as cheesy as that may sound. I want to take this life and live it, love it, and learn from it. I want to take what I learn and put it into words that help this world we are living in make a little more sense. Sometimes getting a little more clarity on things can help make the next steps for us to be able to create a life we are proud of a more obvious. That is why I’m here.
The reason I’m here for this episode, specifically, is to talk about self-talk.
I remember being introduced to the idea of self-talk at a very young age. I did gymnastics for fourteen years and self-talk was integral of my success. I loved gymnastics, but I wasn’t a fan of balance beam. I was fearful of the beam, as one naturally would flipping on a four-inch piece of wood. I remember I would practice my routines and I would get to my hardest skill or trick, a back-walkover back-handspring. I would fall every-time. I would get so frustrated with myself and ask my coach why they thought I kept falling off. I would ask them what corrections I needed to make or what I needed to do physically to make sure I stayed on. I remember my coach asking me, “Before you do the skill, do you tell yourself you’re going to make it or do you tell yourself you’re going to fall?” That really made me think. Each time I stepped up to do the skill, I subconsciously told myself that I was going to fall because the skill was too scary or I assumed I would fall because of all the times I had fallen before. It wasn’t about what I was doing wrong physically. It was about how I was talking to myself. After I talked to my coach, I got right back up on that beam, told myself I was going to make it, and I did. Wow what a thing.
Based on that story, you would think that I would have learned my lesson a long time ago about the importance of positive self-talk. However, I am just as human as you and still fall to the annoyance of our brain’s negative self-talk. Therefore, I’ve been really exploring this aspect of why we talk to ourselves this way, why positive self-talk is so important, and what we can do to make that shift between the positive and negative.
Why do we talk negatively to ourselves?
We talk negatively to ourselves because we remember all the losses we took in our past and don’t necessarily remember the wins. We are fixated on all the times we failed and we are scared that we are going to screw up again. We completely discount our ability to do things right because we have screwed up before. It is easier to pre-determine that we are just going to fail. We also talk negatively to ourselves because we are living in a world full of comparisons. If I’m not as good as her or I’m not perfect at it, I’m bad at it. If I’m not as pretty as her or skinny as her, I’m not beautiful. We set this standard of what is right or perfect by what everyone else is doing. We push ourselves to that standard and never feel good enough. Because of this mindset, you will perpetually talk negatively about ourselves. More than anything, we talk negatively to ourselves because we don’t believe in ourselves. Gosh, how sad is that? It’s true. We totally don’t believe in ourselves. If we aren’t going to believe in ourselves, we are going to have a really hard time convincing others to believe in us.
Why is positive self-talk important?
Positive self-talk is important because it is where anything and everything starts. It is the root of our biggest accomplishments, dreams, and productivity. If we can’t say the words, “Yes I can” to ourselves, than how do we expect to go past being content and actually live. Positive self-talk is how things happen. Think about it. Anything you’ve ever accomplished or been successful at has started with positivity speaking to yourself. Every single thing. If we know that this is how everything starts and is the key to success, then why do we still negativity talk to ourselves?
Since we know why we use negative self-talk and why positive positive self-talk is so important, why do we still use negative self-talk?
I’m not a professional, but I think we still use negative self-talk when we have given something power over us. When we start using negative self-talk, whether that is I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I can’t do that, I’ll never get there, I’m horrible at this, we have let this thing have power over us. I’ve asked myself why I still catch myself talking negatively. I realized recently that it is because I have let certain things to have power over me. I have caught myself letting things such as problems at work or what is going on in other people’s lives have power over me. I give it power to derail me and tell me I’m not enough. Now, we aren’t in control of everything, but we are in control of what we let have power over us.
How do we take the power back? How can we shift our negative self-talk to positive self-talk?
This is so much easier said than done. Something I found you can do if you find the negative self-talk creeping in is to step back and say, “Claire (or insert your name), you can do this,” and say it over and over again until you believe yourself. Write it down if you have to. Write it in your journal or put it up on your mirror. Better yet, say it someone out loud that you can do it. I find this is super helpful because it holds you accountable and you feel like you have to do it. “You can do this.” If you feel you aren’t enough say, “Claire (or insert your name), you’re enough.” Tell someone else too and you may really start to believe yourself. Take the power back from the thing that is making you talk negatively.
If you don’t feel like you are good at inserting some positive talk into your day (which is already a form of negative self-talk by the way), at least take away the negative talk. Take phrases like, “I can’t”, “I’m not good enough”, or “I should” out of your vocabulary. Start taking notice of when you use those words and start slowly removing them. I think you will start noticing how it shifts the way you talk to yourself. I’ve focused recently on removing “I should” from my vocabulary because I catch myself using phrases such as, “I should be doing this because I’m not as good as that person.” Instead, I shift it to a more positive way to talk to myself and say, “I’m going to try doing this because I think it will help me towards my goal.” Changing the way I talk to myself shifted me from trying to hit someone else’s standard to focusing on my standard. It removed the comparison. I took away the power it had over me.
“Would I be proud of myself if I spoke to other people in the same way as I spoke to myself?”
My roommate Emily totally knows me, for my birthday this year, she got me these cards that have empowering questions on them that you can use to journal. One of the cards this past week had on it, “Would I be proud of myself if I spoke to other people the same way as I spoke to myself?” It was creepy because it was like it knew I was thinking about this topic. What if we walked around telling our friends, co-workers, significant others, or family that they can’t do something or they weren’t good enough? That would be pretty messed up. I don’t think we would be very proud of that. If we don’t speak that way to others, why do we think we can speak to ourselves that way? It is pretty crazy if you think about it. The meanest person we face is ourselves. I think it is time for us to get out of our own way, take the power back from the things that are making us negatively talk, and be a little kinder to ourselves.