29 | creating space for vulnerability
December 2, 2019
In this episode, I discuss how we can create space for vulnerability by the answering the questions:
-Why would we ever think about being vulnerable to another?
-How do you create space for vulnerability for others?
-How do you create space for vulnerability for yourself?
-What happens when your vulnerability connection or trust is broken?
-Let’s look at the bigger picture. Can vulnerability change the world?
Transcript:
Over the past month, I have had someone come to me about a hard breakup, another saying that they were afraid that their newborn baby may not make it, one open up about their depression and suicide attempt, another open up about their extreme social anxiety, and a fifth tell me about a friend they lost a few years back. I’ve been in some of those situations and some I haven’t. They laid out their timelines and I saw their emotions. Some more expressive than others. Some I listened to for twenty minutes and some I listened to for hours. I realized what all these people had in common. They needed someone to talk to. Someone to give them the time to speak and give the nod that someone was willing to listen with the ultimate goal of understanding. I think giving the ball cap nod communicates a silent, “Hey, it’s alright, I’m here to listen and I want to understand.”
You know those Goo Goo Doll lyrics from their song Iris, “And I don’t want the world to see me ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand?” I think about the lyric every time I think about vulnerability and people’s fear of it. We don’t share our stories, show our emotions, or show what we are dealing with everyday because we don’t think people will understand or want to understand. Therefore, we just don’t let the world see us. I’m not talking about letting the world see us on the internet or social media. I’m talking about letting those close to you and around you really know you, understand you, and where you are.
However, just because I say that doesn’t mean anyone and everyone is going to start being vulnerable right? It doesn’t work like that. You can’t tell someone or yourself to be vulnerable. You must create the space for vulnerability to happen. We can create the space for others to feel they can be vulnerable, as well as, make us feel we can be vulnerable.
Why would we ever think about being vulnerable to another?
The definition of vulnerability is, “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” That sounds scary as shit right? Why would we ever want to do that? The simple answer is vulnerability drives connection. Humans are built for connection. If we aren’t vulnerable with one another about our thoughts or feelings, do we really know each other? Probably not. We may know them on the surface, but you can’t say you really know them; no real connection is made.
You could say, “I’ve gone my whole life without being vulnerable to others and I still have friends and everything is just fine.” Yes, you are totally surviving by not being completely open and honest with others about your thoughts and feelings. However, when you’re not completely open and honest with people, you may find those relationships wander, which is totally fine. When you are vulnerable, it’s like you’re setting up a friendship tent and camping out. When you share your stories, your feelings, and your struggles, you draw a connection to the other person that makes you feel like you can nail the stakes into the friendship tent and stay awhile. The tent is less likely to fly away. You create bonds with people that aren’t really describable. All you can say is, “They just get it.” How good is that feeling?
How do you create space for vulnerability for others?
I’ve been thinking about why all those people I told you about at the beginning shared their vulnerable stories with me. Not all of those people were in my inner circle. What made them want to be vulnerable with me? I decided it was the result of two things I’ve been trying to get better at lately.
The first is creating conversations that go deeper than the surface. Instead of starting a conversation by asking someone, “How was your day or weekend?” I ask, “How are your kids doing?” or “How was that event that you went to?” I’m not asking anything super nosy, I’m just going past the surface to give the permission or the hint that I want to talk about more than just the weather.
The second thing I’ve been trying to do in order to create space for vulnerability is listening without the purpose of responding. I’m totally a talker and I want to respond after a person’s first breath. However, I’ve really been working on listening without the intention to respond. Listening with the intention to listen. I find there is something special about giving someone the time and attention where you’re just there; not projecting anything on to them. It gives them the opportunity they may never have had to actually tell you what they’re going through or what they’re feeling right now. You may not know it at the time, but you could possibly be the first person they’ve told or opened up to in awhile. Creating a space for conversation could mean more to them than you know. During long pauses or when they ask for guidance during a conversation is a good time to interject.
Now what about us? How do you create space for vulnerability for yourself?
Once one person is vulnerable about something, it breaks the barrier, sets up a friendship tent, or gives the ball cap nod. However, if the other person doesn’t give you that baseball cap nod back or creates space for vulnerability, you can still create it for yourself. We can’t control others. Sometimes, we have to make it happen. If you don’t have another person to be vulnerable with; create the space for yourself.
Remember the Goo Goo Doll lyrics I mentioned at the beginning, “And I don’t want the world to see me ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand?” Something you can start doing for yourself is letting down the walls. To let down the walls, you have to get out of your head that no one wants to understand or will understand. This is essential because you’re doubting people before you even give them a chance. “You don’t understand.” We have all heard it before. Yes, maybe they can’t totally empathize with you on what you’re going through, but there are people that want to understand. Who knows, there may be someone out there that has gone through the exact same thing. You will never know until you try to connect with them.
If letting down the walls and opening up to people to create the space for vulnerability still seems too hard, then start with journaling. You have heard me say it time and time before how great of a tool journaling is. I know it was my first step to opening up to people and I think it could be the same for a lot of you.
What happens when your vulnerability connection or trust is broken?
There is a vulnerability connection or trust created when you open up to each other. What happens when that connection or trust is broken? This is the reason we aren’t vulnerable in the first place. We are scared that the connection will be broken, your vulnerable stories will be exposed to others, or whatever it is that may make you upset. We feel like the vulnerability connection is broken during breakups or when someone doesn’t consider your vulnerable story as cherished as you do and goes and tells someone else. We also feel it when we lose a loved one that we had a vulnerability connection with because you lost a person that “Just got you.” How do we come back from that? How do we not shut down and never be vulnerable again?
This is a hard question and I’m not sure anyone has the answer. It absolutely sucks when it happens, but we have to move on somehow. I’ve learned when dealing with a situation like this is to look at the good that came out of that vulnerability connection. When you told the person your story, it probably helped you understand your feelings. It probably gave you an outside perspective on your situation. It probably made you feel less alone. After the trust being broken, you probably feel like you don’t understand your feelings. You don’t get the reason why the person broke the connection. You probably feel alone. However, you cannot discredit that connection, comfort, and happiness you felt when you were vulnerable with them. It was totally there.
After a connection or trust is broken, it is hard to be vulnerable again. With the next person your vulnerable with, it’s a natural reaction to worry that the vulnerable connection will be broken. However, why would we spend all this time worrying and then connection is never broken? We can’t control what other people do and everything that happens in life, but I whole-heartedly think that the connection will stay strong if you treat it right and cherish the connection as much as you can, no matter how long it lasts.
Let’s look at the bigger picture. Can vulnerability change the world?
Let’s look at vulnerability beyond me and you. Deeper than the connection between just two people. Whether you agree with me or not, I think vulnerability can change the world. There are a lot of bad things going on in our world for a lot of reasons. One of them is not giving people the space to be heard and the opportunity for connection. I think if we gave the time and attention to create those deeper conversations, make people feel like they can express themselves, and be willing to listen, maybe we wouldn’t feel so alone or misunderstood. If we gave our siblings those ten minutes to share their life with you, if we showed interest in our quiet co-worker’s life, or if we shared with our partner both the light and darkness that we are experiencing, the world would be a better place. If we took the time to create space for vulnerability, I think we would feel less alone, more understood, and could create a world filled with more joy and connection.