The other day I got into a dilemma.
Someone at work messaged me if I could meet at 4pm tomorrow to discuss a project with some upper-level leadership.
I looked at my calendar and saw I had a virtual therapy session scheduled at that time.
I was torn. I knew I really needed this therapy session due to some personal and work things going on, and appointments aren’t the easiest to come by.
I also knew that we did need to have this meeting soon and I’m not necessarily one to say no to upper-level management. Work, however, does have a protocol to only have meetings between the hours of 9am-4pm, and only have meetings after hours if it is absolutely necessary.
So I asked myself, is this considered “necessary?”
It was a true test of boundaries and work/life balance.
It made me start to consider, is work or mental health more important here? Does work affect our mental health or does our mental health affect our work?
What should we be taking care of first? Maybe it is a “chicken or the egg come first” situation where you could argue both.
There have been times where work has been so frustrating or demanding, and has required early mornings or later hours where it does affect my mental health. And I know I am not alone in that.
When I talk to some of my friends, I am thankful for my situation because they’re working very late nights, weekends, and sometimes on their paid time off. Many of them say a requirement for the next job they get is to have something with more work/life balance.
On the other side of the coin, there have been times where my mental health is not in a good place where I can’t bring myself to be present at work and put in the level of effort and attention that is required for it. I know I am not alone in this too.
Especially with work from home, our personal and professional lives are tied together more than ever. Lack of sleep, family obligations, the covid uncertainty, and overall mental health issues that many people are experiencing can affect our work.
So what should truly come first, work or our mental health?
I think you can be devoted to both and have a balance, but it requires setting some boundaries, which is not always easy. Maybe it also requires caring less about work. Sounds crazy, but stay with me.
In Liz Fosslien and Molly Duffy West’s book, No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work, they have a whole chapter on caring less about work.
One excerpt says:
“‘Be less passionate about your job’ doesn’t mean ‘stop caring about work.’ It means care more about yourself. It means carve out time for the people you love, for exercise, and for a guilt-free vacation. It means remind yourself that few people look back at their lives and wish they stayed at the office until 10:00PM.”
I’m someone who has trouble not caring, but much of their book shows you it is possible to be committed to your work, but not sell your soul to it, and still succeed.
Liz Fosslien also has these wonderful and witty illustrations in the book, so if you’re going to read it, I recommend getting the actual book instead of listening to the audio version.
So what did I end up doing with this dilemma I was presented with?
I was transparent with the meeting organizer that I would not be able to attend the meeting because I had a therapy session during that time and appointments are hard to come by. I told her that I will see if I can get it moved to another time and let her know if I would be able to attend the meeting.
I was kind of nervous to say this. I wonder if I would have been as transparent about it if I didn’t have a relationship with the meeting organizer or knew her to be an understanding person. I know at the beginning of my career I would not have shared this.
She came back to say she totally understood and to keep her updated.
A few hours later, I found out from my therapist that something opened up at a different time, so I was able to go to both my therapy session and the meeting that day.
Now things ended up working out for me this time, but I know it is not going to work out like that every time and sometimes I’m going to have to choose between work and mental health.
It makes me think though that whatever action we take now will set the precedent for what others will expect from us in the future.
If we say we will cancel our therapy session to attend the after hours meeting, then others will expect you to do that in the future.
If we respond to emails and chat messages late at night, then others will expect that from you in the future, and maybe even new team members or people that report to you will think that that is the expectation.
If we take care of our mental health so much that it fuels us to go above and beyond in our jobs, then others will expect that from you and build trust in you.
So what comes first for you? Mental health or work? Maybe it depends on what is going on for you personally vs. professionally, or how your company is approaching things.
Let me know in the comments or send me an email how you or your employer is balancing this.
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