One day at a time.
That is the only way I've made it through this year.
I'm a planner. I make plans to be strategic, have control, think ahead, coordinate with others, and lessen the worry that things won't work out.
Well things haven't worked out according to plan this year.
There has been so much uncertainty and it has given me more anxiety than ever.
I never realized how sensitive I was to uncertainty, but I also have to give myself grace as there has never been more anxiety in one year than this year.
My reaction to the constant uncertainty and anxiety is to isolate myself. Not talk to anyone and say I'm going to figure it out myself. That is my safe space.
However, the uncertainty and anxiety has become so overwhelming that it has become too heavy to carry.
I feel like the little middle schooler again that is carrying too many books around in her backpack. I have been carrying around all the uncertainty and anxiety about the future for many months now and I am worn down and tired.
I have come to the point of surrender.
I'm surrendering…
To the plans.
To things being a certain way.
To people being a certain way.
To things being the same as last year.
To not knowing what is going to happen.
To things that are out of my control.
I thought surrendering meant I was giving up, but it really means I've won.
Surrendering means I've won in the fight against the uncertainty and anxiety. I don't have to fight anymore. I've let it all go and not let it take over my life.
And I can BREATHE.
I'm in the place now where I've let it all go, but where do I go from here?
I feel like 2020 slapped me in the face and said…
It's time to be adaptable
It's time to put the work in to take care of yourself
So that is what I'm doing.
It isn't easy, but I'm trying my best.
For me right now it looks like…
Going with the flow
Thinking of plans as "tentative"
Having the hard conversations that are actually going to push me forward
Creating flexible options for myself for when things change
Respecting that someone may go about things a different way
Consistently showing up for myself, even on the hard days
I am surrendering, but I'm still winning.