Part 6 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.
I've been writing about unlearning perfection for the past 6 weeks now.
I noticed how much of my perfectionism came from being in the gymnastics world and how much of the tendencies have carried over into my life today. There are times that perfectionism is an asset and I love myself for it, and times where it has been my own worst enemy.
I can't help but think as I'm writing these stories, will I ever actually unlearn perfectionism?
The short answer is probably not. But let me give you the long answer.
When I started podcasting and blogging, I really had a hard time describing in a few words what my topics were or the type of person I was writing to. I had a picture in my mind the type of reader I was writing for, I just had trouble describing them.
I found myself writing about the things I was struggling with: people-pleasing, judging myself, having unrealistic standards, and getting stressed contemplating the right thing to do.
It took me a year and a half of podcasting/blogging to figure out how to describe the person that struggles with these things, how to describe me. After a lot of hours behind the microphone, in front of my computer, and a lot of quarantine walks to clear my mind, the light bulb went off.
I was a perfectionist.
Having a name for what I was feeling felt like a weight was lifted. It is like when you're sick for a really long time and you don't know what is going on, and the doctor finally gives you a diagnosis.
Now perfectionism is only a sickness if you make it one, but I was a proud perfectionist.
I felt like I understood myself finally. I felt like I could explain to others all these feelings that I had and all the things I was struggling with.
Once I named myself a perfectionist, it became part of my identity. I attached myself to it and used it to describe a lot of my tendencies.
I really started noticing how it showed up in my life today. The times it was an asset and the times it wasn't.
When I get upset that I can't make everyone happy when I have to choose between movie night with friends or date night with the boyfriend.
When I would be writing a blog post and hesitate on hitting submit because it wasn't just perfect yet.
When I would beat myself up for doing something wrong at work that I didn't even know was wrong when I did it.
By noticing these times perfectionism was popping up, I was becoming more aware of ways to cope when it was being my own worst enemy.
I started paying attention to what I wanted and not letting others opinions overpower me.
I started letting go a little and accepting that things didn't need to be a certain way for them to be good.
More than anything, I started giving myself a lot more grace.
I have come so far in my perfectionism. I am not the same perfectionist I was 4 years ago and I won't be the same perfectionist 4 years from now.
So will I ever unlearn perfection? Probably not. Will my perfection ever change? Yes.
I think I will always be a perfectionist, but it will show up different in different stages of life. I will always be me, but I will evolve and my perfectionism will evolve.
It will be a continual practice to learn how perfectionism shows up in my life. It will be a continual practice to learn how I can love myself for it. It will be a continual practice to learn when it is my own worst enemy.
While it feels good to name myself as a perfectionist, I try not to get too attached to 1 story of perfectionism.
I can let me and my many stories evolve into what they're meant to be, perfectly mine.