I am a perfectionist.
But how did that happen? Where did it come from? Was I born a perfectionist or are molded into one?
Maybe this comes down to the typical nature vs. nurture debate.
It always seems to be a little bit of both. However, I'm noticing perfectionist tendencies popping up in my life that I can't help but attribute to the nurture side, or my upbringing.
My upbringing being gymnastics.
There was practice. Sometimes 20 hours a week. 20 hours a week of being told to do it again because it wasn't right. Being told that that isn't what the judges are looking for. Being told to suck in your belly, and for me my ribs, because mine stuck out just a little too far.
There were the competitions. Competitions of who could be the most perfect really. Competitions where the long hours of preparation came down to 2.5 collective minutes you had on the floor and there were no do-overs. Competitions where you were judged quantifiably by how perfect we were and a flexed foot could keep you from being .025 less perfect than the next girl to step onto the mat. Don't worry, you were already less because the better girls always got to perform last.
I spent 10 years in the gym, in the competitive arena, in the perfectionist world.
You may be asking why my parents let me be in that environment or why I wanted to be there. Its because I loved gymnastics that much. I absolutely loved it. The grueling hours and every blood, sweat, and tear. I was good at it and it felt like the place I got to shine.
There was so much more to it than the perfection. It taught me so much that I'm not sure anything else could have. It has molded me into the person I am today.
It taught me:
Self-motivation
Self-discipline
Self-confidence
How to get my body in shape
How to present yourself
How to be a leader
How to support others
Body awareness
Mental toughness
Physical toughness
Perseverance
Hard work
Dedication
Practice pays off
But practice doesn't always make perfect, no matter how bad you want it. Even though I learned so much, I have to recognize that one doesn't just shake that perfectionist mindset that I carried around for 10+ years.
I have been out of the gym for 6 years now. I still see my perfectionist mindset show up in my career, romantic relationship, friendships, hobbies, and use of social media. I fully embrace being a perfectionist. It is a part of who I am. There are a lot of positive attributes to it like being detail-oriented and driven.
However, it is important to recognize when perfectionism isn't serving me anymore. It is important to notice when it leads to negative self talk, comparison, and anxiety.
Perfection may have served me then in my gymnastics days, but it doesn't always serve me now.
So in this short blog series, I am exploring unlearning. Unlearning perfectionism. Unlearning the things that don't always serve me now. I'm unlearning that being perfect is everything, so I can learn that being me is enough.