“You’re no fun!”
Yep, I’ve heard that one a couple of times.
Hearing that used to bother me A LOT. I really cared (and still do if I’m being honest) about being received as a “fun” person.
The times I usually hear “you’re no fun” is when it comes to my boundaries around sleep, alcohol, or alone time.
It makes me question if I can have boundaries and be a fun person?
The simple answer is YES.
It is about reminding myself why I’ve set the boundaries I’ve set.
You don’t set boundaries to restrict yourself from doing fun things. You set them to make room for the things that are most important to you. The things that are “fun” and fulfilling to YOU.
Maybe that is working out, spending time with someone you love, or making time for your passion project.
Setting boundaries is not easy. But when we get in the habit and get more comfortable with setting them, they’re a lot more likely to stick.
Here are the 3 scenarios that I find the most tricky to set boundaries.
Sleep
I have a very early bedtime because Claire with less than 8 hours of sleep is not pretty.
This doesn’t mean I’m not tough or am weak because I can’t function on less sleep. I have learned how much sleep I need to be able to function at the level I want to.
Sometimes that requires turning off Netflix early or leaving a party before midnight.
I try to remind myself that my sleep boundaries aren’t in place to restrict me from having fun. My sleep boundaries are in place to help me make room for other things to happen.
I know with little sleep I will have trouble being able to show up for my job, my workouts, and important people in my life in the way that I want to.
Other people may not agree with your sleep boundaries, but you’re, as Greg McKeown calls in his book Essentialism, “protecting the asset.”
McKeown has a whole chapter on the importance of sleep and he says…
“The best asset we have for making a contribution to the world is ourselves. If we underinvest in ourselves, and by that I mean our minds, bodies, and spirits, we damage the very tool we need to make our highest contribution.”
I’ve found protecting the asset starts with creating good sleep habits during your normal weekly routine.
I got in the habit of figuring out how many hours of sleep I need to function and I adjusted my bedtime and wake up time accordingly to make that work.
Once I started having a couple of weeks of good sleep habits (trust me didn’t happen overnight, no pun intended), when it came to that weekend night where I was out a little later, I had many nights of good sleep under my belt that allowed me to have fun and stay out a little later if I wanted to.
Now, how do I deal with my crankiness when I am tired? That is something I am still trying to work on.
Alcohol
Setting any boundaries around alcohol is so tough since it is so ingrained into our culture.
It’s the happy hours, the tailgates, the weddings, the catch up with college friends, or visiting the new winery or brewery in town.
In these social situations, sometimes people hope you drink as much as them so you can be on the same level, whatever that may mean.
Or the toughest is when you’re with people that knew how much you drank at one point in your life and they expect you to be that way now.
Sometimes it’s fun to drink and let loose a little, but other times I know the excessiveness isn’t going to serve me.
Deborah Adele writes in her book The Yamas and Niyamas about the yogic principle of brahmacharya, or nonexcess.
“Nonexcess is not about nonenjoyment. It actually is about enjoyment and pleasure in its fullest experience. The questions before us are: Are you eating the food, or is the food eating you? Are you doing the activity, or is the activity doing you? Can you enjoy pleasure without excess?”
Alcohol can take up more space in our lives than we want it to, especially if those hangover feelings hit the next day.
To keep it from taking up too much space, I have found sparkling water to be my favorite alternative. Or I’ve been out with friends who have ordered mocktails. Many companies now are coming out with non-alcoholic alternatives to their beers & wines. I’m interested in exploring these more.
Sometimes just getting in the habit of always having a glass of water in your hand can keep you occupied and from getting to a point you don’t want.
Alone Time
Being declared a “fun person” is usually determined by if you are willing to do what someone else wants you to do.
You’re that go with the flow person that says yes to everything.
But what if you don’t want to go to the party, event, or another happy hour?
Maybe you just want to stay home. Maybe you want time to work on your passion. Maybe you want to just lay on your floor and stare at the ceiling after a long week.
You’re allowed to do all of that and you don’t have to feel bad about it.
However, I know I feel guilty when I say no. Either guilt from myself or someone else.
But we can reframe this.
When we say no to something, we are usually saying yes to ourselves.
Yes to recharging, rejuvenating, and deciding what is the next right thing for us to do.
In Marlee Grace’s book How to Not Always Be Working, she quotes yoga teacher Rachelle Knowles:
“The tricky part about creating space to pause and practice is that at first it will need to be deliberate. It might even feel forced. Soon you’ll start to taste the sweetness of it all, which comes from knowing that every time you choose to pause, you are choosing yourself.”
This quote reminds me that setting boundaries is not something that happens overnight. It needs to become a habit in order for the boundaries to stick.
