How the Pandemic Made My Journaling Practice More Important Than Ever Before

Unsplash | Tonik

It has been 1 whole year since we entered the pandemic. I agree when people have said it has been both the fastest and slowest year of their life.

I've noticed how much my life has changed, I have changed, and my habits have changed.

My journaling habit has stuck though and this past year has showed me exactly why to keep going with it.

Here are 3 ways the pandemic re-enforced my journaling habit:

Something constant when many things were changing.

I remember the second week of March 2020 very vividly. I showed up to my journal each morning amazed at how fast things had changed from the day before.

We've heard before that change is constant, but it had never been more true that week or even the months we had ahead.

We lost the sense of predictability and certainty.

I had my journaling practice going, but I had really gotten steady with it right before the pandemic. It is like the universe knew I needed to prepare to have something constant in my life.

Journaling became one of my only constants and gave me some sense of predictability and certainty. I didn't know if I was doing anything else I planned to do, but I was certain that I was going to show up to my journal.

Became a safety net when things went wrong.

People say that when you enter new challenges or life transitions, it is smart to have a safety net of people to support you through it.

While I was thankful to have supportive people around me during the pandemic, I know those people were having a tough time too.

Finding the energy to support ourselves was hard enough and didn't leave us a lot of energy left to support others.

Journaling was always a support for me, but it really became my safety net. My safe space to let out every feeling I had for this thing none of us had been through before. It was the outlet that served me most during this tough time.

Kept record of key events, feelings, and happenings during that time.

I knew when this started happening that this was going to be a very important time in history.

I started writing down all the little things I could so that I could remember what it was like down the road. I attribute so much of my memory to writing things down in my journal.

Although there may be sad things we may not want to remember, I've tried to remember the good things that made this time in the pandemic so unique: having dinner with my family every night for 7 weeks, designing a work from home space, doing yoga outside to get out of the house, and more.

--

I'm feeling extra thankful for this journaling practice right now. This past year encouraged me to keep it up and ensured me that I have an outlet to go to when next challenge comes my way.

How creating downtime could be the difference-maker in your day

When I look back at different times in my life, the amount of downtime I had and what I did with it made a difference in how happy I was. 

When I was in college, I would have told you I didn't have a lot of downtime.

Looking back now, I had a lot of downtime, and I spent a lot of it drinking and partying. I didn't really have any outside interests and was kind of lost.

When I graduated from college and started my post-grad life, I had a lot of downtime after work.

I was excited about this because I felt like I had a clean slate and I got to choose what I wanted to do with those hours I wasn't working. This is when I really started digging into my personal development interests with creating my podcast and starting to take yoga.

Now, about 2.5 years post-grad, I have a lot of interests and do a lot of different things.

I do this thing that when it comes to the weekend where I make sure it is a full schedule. I squeeze things in between other things that are already scheduled. I make plans with myself or with others to fill the free time I do have. I want to make the most of the weekend after all, but I have come to the point where I no longer have any downtime.

Often, I have said that having a full weekend like this is productive and makes me happy. That would be considered a successful weekend.

However, I've noticed that although it may be a "productive" weekend with a lot of things scheduled, I'm not necessarily happy. For me lately, it has left me empty.

When I try to fill every hour of my day with something, whether its something I want to do or other people want me to do, my energy gets diminished. I spread myself too thin. I can't be fully there because I just don't have enough energy left to be there. My cup is empty. I don't feel good.

Is there a balance in all of this?

Is there a way I can be productive and still do a lot of things, but do it in a way that feels good, make me happy, and fills my cup up?

My answer: Creating downtime.

Creating downtime to reset. Time to explore. Time to fill my cup back up.

Time to do whatever I feel like doing. Maybe it is napping, checking emails, watching a movie, starting a hobby, calling a friend, or exercising.

Creating downtime can be the difference between a productive day and a productive day that feels good.

Creating downtime, and using it wisely, can be the difference between living a life of burnout and monotony, and life of happiness and growth.

Here are 3 ways creating downtime could be the difference-maker in your day:

Keeps your mental capacity in check.

There is a lot of times where a friend will say, "hey want to do this thing?" It would be during the only 4 hours in my weekend that I have free.

Or a co-worker will send a message saying, "hey sorry to schedule this meeting during lunch, but it was the only time you had open on your calendar."

While I could physically be there for these things, I know mentally I probably won't be.

It took me a lot of times figuring it out the hard way to realize that we all have a capacity point. It is the point where our body and mind tells us we can't do anymore without a little rest.

Downtime can be a tool or boundary to keep our mental capacity in check. It can be our time that we set to reset and recharge so that we can do the other things we want to do.

I realized it is not about how many activities I can get in my day, but how many activities I can fully be there for.

Teaches you what you like, dislike, need, and want.

I'm the rare person that says they enjoyed post-grad life more than they enjoyed college. Don't get me wrong I loved college, but I think I loved post-grad so much because there was a lot of downtime after work to do whatever I wanted and there wasn't some obvious thing I felt like everyone was doing.

That time was mine and mine to learn a lot about myself. My interests, likes and dislikes, and how I really wanted to spend my time.

I noticed that when we have downtime, we get the chance to take ourselves off of autopilot and really look at what we want to do.

We learn what and who makes us feel good vs. what doesn't.

We learn what we actually desire to do vs. what we are just going along with.

We learn what our body and mind actually need to function vs. just accepting that we are going to feel run down all the time.

We learn what sets our hearts on fire vs. what doesn't, and get clarity on how we want to be spending this life.

Having downtime can remind us what keeps us sane and what to keep coming back to.

Allows you to find new things that are going to push your growth forward.

There are periods of times that I feel stuck. The days start looking like work, sleep, work, sleep. The same thing day after day.

These are the times I want something new, even if I don't know what that is. These periods of time can be frustrating and lead us to feel discontent with life.

I've noticed that I usually get in these moods when I'm just following along with the schedule and don't have a lot of downtime.

New things come out of downtime. New people, new activities, and new ideas emerge out of downtime. We don't have time to give any new things attention without downtime.

The new things are usually what push our growth forward. It gets out of our comfort zone and into the place where we can grow as a person.

Even though it feels like the things on our full schedule are going to help us grow, creating downtime accelerates the growth forward.

--

I'm noticing that it isn't necessarily how many things we can do, but what we do and how we do them.

Are we going to spend time doing things we actually want to do? Are we going to bring our full energy to them?

It is interesting that the downtime that usually happens behind closed doors could be the difference-maker in how we do things out in the world.

Downtime could be our tool, our boundary, our resource, our check point, or even our secret weapon to creating a life we are proud of.

I'm Surrendering So I Can Win: How I'm Navigating Uncertainty & Anxiety

One day at a time.

That is the only way I've made it through this year.

I'm a planner. I make plans to be strategic, have control, think ahead, coordinate with others, and lessen the worry that things won't work out.

Well things haven't worked out according to plan this year.

There has been so much uncertainty and it has given me more anxiety than ever.

I never realized how sensitive I was to uncertainty, but I also have to give myself grace as there has never been more anxiety in one year than this year.

My reaction to the constant uncertainty and anxiety is to isolate myself. Not talk to anyone and say I'm going to figure it out myself. That is my safe space.

However, the uncertainty and anxiety has become so overwhelming that it has become too heavy to carry.

I feel like the little middle schooler again that is carrying too many books around in her backpack. I have been carrying around all the uncertainty and anxiety about the future for many months now and I am worn down and tired.

I have come to the point of surrender.

I'm surrendering…

To the plans.

To things being a certain way.

To people being a certain way.

To things being the same as last year.

To not knowing what is going to happen.

To things that are out of my control.

I thought surrendering meant I was giving up, but it really means I've won.

Surrendering means I've won in the fight against the uncertainty and anxiety. I don't have to fight anymore. I've let it all go and not let it take over my life.

And I can BREATHE.

I'm in the place now where I've let it all go, but where do I go from here?

I feel like 2020 slapped me in the face and said…

1. It's time to be adaptable

2. It's time to put the work in to take care of yourself

So that is what I'm doing.

It isn't easy, but I'm trying my best.

For me right now it looks like…

Going with the flow

Thinking of plans as "tentative"

Having the hard conversations that are actually going to push me forward

Creating flexible options for myself for when things change

Respecting that someone may go about things a different way

Consistently showing up for myself, even on the hard days

I am surrendering, but I'm still winning.

Why I've Been Journaling for the Past 3 Years

It's been 3 years since my first journal entry.

I remember the day I started journaling I was in such a hard place. I remember sitting in that spot for a very long time, doing nothing about it. Eventually, I couldn't do it anymore and would do anything to feel better.

I had heard time and time again from people I admired that journaling was an amazing practice to help you think through things. I was at a breaking point so maybe this was a healthy outlet to make things better.

You know when people ask "when did everything change for you?"

The day I tell them is the day I started journaling. And I'll tell you why.

First to be clear, I haven't journaled every day for the past 3 years. I didn't start steady right out of the gate.

At the beginning, I mostly journaled when things were hard, and I wouldn't when things got better. I relate this to when someone maybe stops praying when things go from bad to better.

Sadly, there are those times when things go back to being bad, and that is when I would always go back to my journal to let it all out.

A few months into journaling, I started writing not just about the bad things, but the good things too, like life milestones or trips I wanted to remember.

About 1 year in, I was started writing about the big ideas I had for my life.

About 2 years in, I noticed that I loved journaling so much that I wanted to make it part of my morning routine. 

Not long after passing the year 2 mark, I went on a long weekend trip and was so busy that I didn't journal. When I got back from the trip, I was shocked how lost I felt. I was shocked how much I didn't feel like myself.

I guess I shouldn't have been so shocked that I wasn't feeling like myself because I went from doing something for myself every day, to leaving myself out in the cold (but literally that trip was so cold). 

I got so used to journaling being…

my anchor.

my release.

my self care.

my getaway.

my safe space to grow without judgement.

where my biggest ideas first get written down.

where things are more beautiful when they're imperfect.

where the before, during, and after emotions are let out, then held for safe-keeping.

where I come back to myself to get re-centered on who I am and what I want to do next.

If one takes that away, you're bound to feel cold.

From arriving home from that trip to now at the year 3 mark, it has been 293 days. I have journaled every single one of them.

I tell people the day I started journaling was the day everything changed because it was the first time I chose to show up for myself.

For the first time, I chose to prioritize myself, commit to myself, prove to myself that I could put in the work, and that I could do something to take care of myself.

I chose journaling as my way to doing something for myself, while others may do this another way.

We could do it by going for a walk or maybe meditating. Or we could do it just by rolling out of bed and putting on something other than pajamas because life can be that tough sometimes.

Some days I don't feel like journaling, but I know now that those are the days I probably need to show up the most.

So I want to make sure I continue to show up for myself.

I want to show up when things are hard.

I want to show up when things are easy.

I want to show up when things are bad.

I want to show up when things are good.

I want to show up when things are boring.

I want to show up when things are busy. 

I want to show up for myself each and every day because I owe that to myself.

There is power in showing up and doing something for you to show that you are here and ready to conquer the world.

So on this 3 year mark of journaling, I'm letting myself be proud for how far I've come.

I chose to show up.

I chose how I was going to show up.

I chose when I was going to show up.

It may have taken me 2.5 years of journaling and 25 years of life, but I am choosing to show up to my journal each and every day. 

Because showing up for ourselves can be the difference between just existing and actually living.

Here's to many more years of journaling and showing up for me.

For When You've Given Up on Self-Love

Unsplash | Dan Freeman

"We have made our happiness conditional."

I went to a yoga class not too long ago and they started off our session with this.

This made my brain wake up a little bit as I was trying to get it to relax.

We have made our happiness conditional in so many ways.

We make it depend on our jobs, our significant others, what we look like, how much money we have, and so many other things that we seek happiness from.

They went on with the session to say how we need to start making it unconditional.

My mind starting exploring how one might do that. How do we make our happiness unconditional, not changing based on the external world?

I have actually explored this for a long time, but hadn't really had this specific question asked before.

My answer?

We love ourselves for who we are. We love ourselves before bringing anything else into the mix.

I look at loving yourself as growing the roots of a tree. We need to grow strong roots, a strong us, so once our trunks grow and flowers bloom, we can weather the storm no matter what comes our way. We work on building ourselves so we can build our life.

Even when things are going well, the storms come. They always do.

Work gets frustrating, you go on some bad first dates, you gain a few pounds, you feel like you don't always have the money to do the things you want to do, you get some unexpected bad news.

How does one love themselves and make their happiness unconditional when the storms hit?

We always hear the answer "love yourself, love who you are, love every strength and flaw." I almost get frustrated or confused sometimes when I hear this because if it was that easy, we would all be doing it, right?

There are so many books, podcasts, and social media accounts promoting self love, and I've read, listened, and followed a lot of them. You can't help but think that self love must be something people are struggling with if this many people are talking about and people, like me, are consuming it.

Maybe it feels confusing and we continue to talk about it because self love looks different for everyone. We are all just trying to figure it out how it looks for us.

I have experimented with a lot of different ways I can love myself more, but this is what self love looks like this to me.

I am complete, everything else is extra.

It took me some time, but I realized that we are complete on our own and everything else just adds or doesn't add value to our lives.

When we see ourselves as complete, we can let go of things we are holding onto that aren't adding value to our lives.

When we see ourselves as complete, we can stop feeling the need to seek out things that are going to complete us.

When we see ourselves as complete, we can have reassurance that we are capable of weathering the storm.

You, me, us are already complete, everything else is just extra.

And those extra things can be absolutely wonderful and enhance our lives. A significant other, a big house, or an impressive job title.

They can make our lives greater, but they also could not.

It’s up to us to decide if they're adding value. Hold on tight and don't take for granted the parts that are adding value, and let go of the things that are not.

It all comes back to knowing that we are complete. It all comes back to loving ourselves. It all comes back to making our happiness unconditional.

Unlearning Perfection: Will We Ever Unlearn?

Part 6 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.

I've been writing about unlearning perfection for the past 6 weeks now.

I noticed how much of my perfectionism came from being in the gymnastics world and how much of the tendencies have carried over into my life today. There are times that perfectionism is an asset and I love myself for it, and times where it has been my own worst enemy.

I can't help but think as I'm writing these stories, will I ever actually unlearn perfectionism?

The short answer is probably not. But let me give you the long answer.

When I started podcasting and blogging, I really had a hard time describing in a few words what my topics were or the type of person I was writing to. I had a picture in my mind the type of reader I was writing for, I just had trouble describing them.

I found myself writing about the things I was struggling with: people-pleasing, judging myself, having unrealistic standards, and getting stressed contemplating the right thing to do.

It took me a year and a half of podcasting/blogging to figure out how to describe the person that struggles with these things, how to describe me. After a lot of hours behind the microphone, in front of my computer, and a lot of quarantine walks to clear my mind, the light bulb went off.

I was a perfectionist.

Having a name for what I was feeling felt like a weight was lifted. It is like when you're sick for a really long time and you don't know what is going on, and the doctor finally gives you a diagnosis.

Now perfectionism is only a sickness if you make it one, but I was a proud perfectionist.

I felt like I understood myself finally. I felt like I could explain to others all these feelings that I had and all the things I was struggling with.

Once I named myself a perfectionist, it became part of my identity. I attached myself to it and used it to describe a lot of my tendencies.

I really started noticing how it showed up in my life today. The times it was an asset and the times it wasn't.

When I get upset that I can't make everyone happy when I have to choose between movie night with friends or date night with the boyfriend.

When I would be writing a blog post and hesitate on hitting submit because it wasn't just perfect yet.

When I would beat myself up for doing something wrong at work that I didn't even know was wrong when I did it.

By noticing these times perfectionism was popping up, I was becoming more aware of ways to cope when it was being my own worst enemy.

I started paying attention to what I wanted and not letting others opinions overpower me.

I started letting go a little and accepting that things didn't need to be a certain way for them to be good.

More than anything, I started giving myself a lot more grace.

I have come so far in my perfectionism. I am not the same perfectionist I was 4 years ago and I won't be the same perfectionist 4 years from now.

So will I ever unlearn perfection? Probably not. Will my perfection ever change? Yes.

I think I will always be a perfectionist, but it will show up different in different stages of life. I will always be me, but I will evolve and my perfectionism will evolve.

It will be a continual practice to learn how perfectionism shows up in my life. It will be a continual practice to learn how I can love myself for it. It will be a continual practice to learn when it is my own worst enemy.

While it feels good to name myself as a perfectionist, I try not to get too attached to 1 story of perfectionism.

I can let me and my many stories evolve into what they're meant to be, perfectly mine.

Unlearning Perfection: Perfection is Expected

Part 5 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.

Unsplash | Drahomír Posteby-Mach

As kids, we had expectations put on us.

Whether they were told to us straight up or indirectly, we knew what we needed to fulfill expectations to get love, attention, or praise.

In gymnastics, the expectation was to be perfect.

Fulfilling the expectations meant success.

So being perfect meant success.

Or if I'm doing the math, my brain was working like this.

Expectation = perfection

Fulfilling expectation = success

Perfection = success

That is how I did the math outside the gym too. If I was perfect, than I would be successful.

But as I've gotten older, here is what I've learned about perfection.

Perfection is boring.

Perfection makes you not relatable.

Perfection means you have it all figured out when really we will never have it all figured out.

Perfection means complacency and no more growth or evolution to be had.

Perfection is unrealistic because it doesn't exist.

If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we reaching for it? If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we making it our expectation? If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we defining it as success?

Maybe its time to redefine what success means to us. That can be hard to answer when you don't know it as anything else other than perfection.

I want to unlearn that the expectation is perfection, so I can learn to define my own version of success.

If you look back at the math problem, redefining success starts with redefining our expectations. If we redefine our expectations, we can redefine what success means to us.

Here are some questions we can use to help redefine our expectations:

What is a benchmark that you have met before +1 step further?

This is a question to help us keep growing, while also giving ourselves grace. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to do exponentially better every single time. Meet yourself where you're and see what you can do to grow from there. This makes growth and success feel more manageable and realistic.

Are your expectations coming from you or someone else?

Did your mom tell you that you need to get your masters degree? Did your favorite person on social media tell you that you should be hitting the gym every day? Did society tell you that you need to hurry up and get a boyfriend right now so you can start on the marriage/family/kids path? It is easy to think that our expectations are ours, but sometimes they do come from an outside source. We need to make sure we are setting up our own expectations so we can find our own version of success.

What aspect of your expectation can you control and not control?

This is important to recognize so that we can hold expectations at different weights. If I set the expectation on myself to run 50 miles this month, that is in my control and I can work to achieve this. If I set the expectation to run more miles this month than my friend, that is out of my control because I can't control how much my friend runs.

This can also apply to relationships. If you set the expectation to be a supportive girlfriend, that is something you can control and put effort towards. If you set the expectation for your boyfriend to give the same amount of support, that is out of your control because you can't control a person. You can choose whether you would like for them to continue being your boyfriend or not , but you can't change them.

If something didn't go according to your expectations because things were out of your control, that doesn't make you a failure. We have to be aware of what is out of our control, and do our best with what is in your control.

What would make you proud?

At the end of the day, what does success look and feel like to you? What expectations and work does it take to make that happen? What would make you proud of yourself and your successes?

I still catch myself making perfection an expectation all the time. It has been my view of success for so long that it is hard to re-wire my brain. I know that I want to unlearn that the expectation is perfection, so I can learn to define my own version of success…and that success will be sweeter than ever.

Unlearning Perfection: This is a competition

Part 4 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.

Unsplash | David Hofmann

In gymnastics, it was very clear where you stood.

There was you, your performance score, and where you placed.

You were first, second, third, or maybe even last.

And that place was everything. It was the first thing you were asked after a competition.

It was how you compared to the rest of the girls in the competition. It was how you compared to even your own teammates. It was how you were compared to perfection.

The idea of comparison was locked in our brains. It almost became an unhealthy form of competition sometimes.

On one side, you wanted the other girls to fall and look bad just so you could look better.

On the other side, if someone did better than you, your self confidence was out the window.

In gymnastics, we put so much self worth in being better than the next girl.

This ended up spilling over into my life outside the gym.

Growing up, I remember constantly comparing myself to other girls. Was I prettier than them? Was I better at sports? Did I have more friends? Was I more mature than them?

While competition may have served me as a motivator in gymnastics, the constant comparison now can tear us down.

We compare who is doing the best at life based on if they're married, have kids, and/or has a good job.

We compare who looks like they're in the best shape when we see people for the first time in awhile.

We compare who looks like they're living the best life according to social media.

We keep comparing. And for what? Does it bring us self-fulfillment to be better than the next person or them be better than us?

I don't know about you, but I haven't seen a "doing best at life" ranking come out lately.

I think the comparison is driven from the need to be perfect. We feel that if we have a leg up on someone else than that makes us more perfect than them, better than them.

But no matter where you look, there is always going to be someone more perfect than you and less perfect than you.

So how do you know who wins?

The way to win is win for yourself. If you're in competition with yourself, you can't lose. If you're in competition with yourself, you will always be worthy. If you're in competition with yourself, it becomes about doing your best and your best is enough.

So I'm unlearning to compete with others, so I can learn how to compete with myself.

Here are some questions I'm using to help me do that:

What does my self worth depend on?

Sometimes we rely on someone else's metrics to evaluate how we are doing at life: how much money we have, if we have a significant other, or how nice our car is. What really matters to you? What metrics are a real identifier of your happiness? Maybe it’s how much effort you put towards going after your dreams or taking care of your health.

How can we stop looking at it as worse or better and look at it as a different?

A way we can get away from seeing us or others as worse or better is looking at all of us as different. We all have different experiences and backgrounds, and that creates our different versions of what our best looks like. If we are all doing our best, than what is there to compare?

What does being my best look and feel like?

This is so important so you can go after what you want and live a fulfilling life. For me, being my best looks like putting forth the effort I know I am capable of, plus a little bit more to push myself to grow. It looks like striving for the things that are important to me. It feels like going to bed at the end of the day knowing you did everything you could to be your best self and make the world a better place. What does it mean to you?

What would make me proud?

What do you want your life to look life, taking comparison out of it? How do you want to design this one life you have? At the end of the day when it’s just you, what would make you proud of yourself?

In Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements, he says…

"If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for."

I think what we are looking for is to be happy. I think for me to be happy, I need to unlearn to compete with others so I can learn to compete with myself, and know that my best is enough.

Unlearning Perfection: You Don't Have the Perfect Body

Part 3 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.

I didn't have the ideal gymnastics body.

I was too tall. I had lanky legs and peaked at about 5'7''.

I wasn't naturally flexible. I often was threatened to be sent to the rhythmic gymnastics mats where the girls stretched for half the practice.

My most common critique was "suck your ribs in." I had an unusually concave chest since birth that made my ribs stick out a little too far for the ideal gymnast look. Who knew at 11-years-old you had to be conscious about what your ribs looked like.

There were girls that had the body. They were tiny, flexible, strong, powerful, artistic. I saw them as talented because of the body they had.

That meant I had to work a little harder. I needed to train a little harder to get the ideal body. I needed to train a little harder to get my body to flip on a 4-inch piece of wood, hurl myself over a large stationary object, and have the image that the judges wanted.

I always I had it in mind to stay in gymnastics shape and have the ideal body for it.

Even as I continually reached for the ideal gymnastics body, I didn't feel like I had the ideal teen body either.

You know the cute, pretty girls that were on TV and in magazines. These girls didn't have the arm muscles like I did and that led me to being self conscious. I cringed at every school dance picture I saw because I thought my arms were too big.

I was an expert at picking out the things that were wrong with my body.

But I also knew that I wasn't the only one.

As I watched social media come more into our lives in late high school and into college, I felt like a lot of girls were experts on picking out what was wrong with their body. They didn’t have the same belly or legs as the girls as they saw on Instagram every day so they knew what to pick out as wrong.

The most common phrase I heard in a dressing room or when a friend would try on a cute outfit was "I look huge," before they would ever say anything good about how they looked.

Between gymnastics and being surrounded by this mindset, I'm surprised I didn't have more body issues than I did. And I feel so incredibly thankful for that.

I'm thankful that even though I was in environments that didn't promote the best body image, I wasn't harder on myself because I watched other girls rip their bodies apart.

I'm thankful social media didn't come into play until very late in my teens, which I predict would have created more emphasis on the "ideal" body.

I'm thankful I allowed myself in elementary school to eat a sleeve of Oreos before practice because that is what being a high-metabolism kid is about right?

I'm thankful that gymnastics gave me the tools to know how to train my body and build and tone specific muscles.

I'm thankful that from going through these years of picking out my flaws and watching other girls do the same, I now know that there is no perfect body.

There is just my body that is uniquely mine. A body that has curves and marks that are different than the next girl. A body that is strong and beautiful. A body that is capable of more than I can probably imagine.

Fast forward to now, and while I still catch myself picking out my body's flaws, I'm trying to learn to love what I see in the mirror.

Here are some questions I'm using to help me do that:

Do I give my body the credit it deserves?

Our bodies have been through a lot. Our bodies have worked hard to balance our busy lives while still trying to take care of our health, and that is not an easy feat. Yet, the first thing we see when we look in the mirror is our flaws, instead of how far we've come. Sometimes we don't give credit to making time for workouts or eating foods that give our bodies energy. Sometimes we don’t give love and grace to our bodies that have been through pregnancies, surgeries, injuries, or times of high stress. You have put in the work to take care of your body one way or another, so why not give yourself credit for that?

Am I letting external factors determine if I love my body?

I think sometimes we let the outside world determine if we are going to love our bodies or not. We give power to the number that is on the scale, the jean size we wear, and whether we look like the models on Instagram. If we had none of those external factors, would we still love the bodies we're in? Makes us consider what we, ourselves, love about our bodies instead of what society is telling us to love (or not love) about our bodies.

Is the way I talk about my body the way I would talk to someone I love about their body?

If a loved one said they looked bad, you most likely wouldn't say "yes you do." Instead, you would probably say something to make them feel better or provide a suggestion that would lead them to feeling better. Whether that was suggesting a skin treatment they could try to clear up acne, a different way to wear an outfit that makes it look more flattering on them, or a workout you know of that could make them feel good. What if we were as kind to ourselves as we are to others?

What would make me proud of this body?

Most of the time, I think we feel most proud of our bodies when they're feeling good and functioning properly. We feel like we can take on the world when our body is feeling its best. So what can I do to make my body feel best? That might be is hitting the gym, getting more sleep, seeing a doctor, or having more positive self talk.

I'm realizing that we have this one unique body and this one unique life, and it is just too short to not love it.

I am on the journey to unlearn how to pick out my body's imperfections, so that I can learn to love what I see in the mirror.

Unlearning Perfection: You Have To Go By The Book

Part 2 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.

In gymnastics, there is this thing called the code of points

It tells you how you're going to be judged: what is expected of you, what is considered unacceptable, and the degree to which is it unacceptable.

It includes a code for not just the skills you perform, but how you should look and act before, during, and after the routine.

This was helpful in creating your routines, practicing them, and preparing yourself for the competitions. You knew exactly what was acceptable and how you could get the highest score possible. It told you how to be the perfect gymnast.

But if you wanted to get a little creative and go outside the box, like wear nail polish, that was a big no. It has been written out clearly what you're supposed to do and you will be docked points if you waiver from that.

So I didn't waiver from it.

Outside of gymnastics and still in my life today, I think I try to look for life's code of points or rule book. What am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to act? What is considered acceptable to others?

I think I look for a rule book because there is this inner fear to go against the grain. If I had a rule book, than I would never mess up. I would be perfect.

But there is no code of points or rule book for life and I can't convince myself that there is.

I try to tell myself that societal norms are the rule book. I need to follow the societal norms so that I can be perfect and not be considered weird or "gone off the rails."

For the things that aren't super written out in the book, I try to dig for the answers that may not even be there just so I don't take a step that could be considered unacceptable.

I look to the book when it comes to romantic relationships. What order am I supposed to do things in? Will my family or friends accept that I'm doings things in this order or in this amount of time?

I look to the book in my career. Should I be doing the stable corporate job or going after the entrepreneurial track? What would make my family and friends proud?

I look to the book in how I spend my time. Should I be productive or should I be resting? Should I spend more time alone or with others? What would be the most acceptable to those around me?

I have found that following the book may have served me in gymnastics, but it isn't always serving me now. Living life based on what is acceptable to others can lead to living a life that isn't yours. And it is unacceptable to be living a life that isn't yours.

I am unlearning that I need to do things by the book, so that I can learn how to write my own rules.

Here are some questions I'm using to help me do that:

If no one else's feelings or opinions were taken into account, what would I do?

This isn't to say be inconsiderate of other's feelings, but sometimes we cloud our brains with the opinions of others that we have a hard time seeing our own. I found it helpful to first identify what you really want and then if the decision affects others around you, take their feelings into consideration. See how you can forge a path forward from there.

Whose book do I want to give power to?

I catch myself on this a lot. I give power to other people's rule books that I don't really care about. If I'm going to take anyone's book into account in my own, it is going to be from a person that I truly value their opinion, knows me best, and wants the best for me. I feel as if this is a very select few people, otherwise, there are too many cooks in the kitchen, or running your rule book.

What would make me most proud?

I always come back to this question. Asking myself what would make me most proud allows me to come back to myself while also pushing past complacency. It allows me to ask myself when I look back, will I be proud that I did the hard or scary or safe thing?

Even though I'm being conscious about not always going by someone else's book, I still find myself people-pleasing at times.

I've come to find though that if you're happy, those that care about you will be happy for you. If you aren't going to go off the typical rule book, those important in your life would want you to go off your book.

So what does your book say and are you following it?

Unlearning Perfection: Where My Perfectionism Came From

I am a perfectionist.

But how did that happen? Where did it come from? Was I born a perfectionist or are molded into one?

Maybe this comes down to the typical nature vs. nurture debate.

It always seems to be a little bit of both. However, I'm noticing perfectionist tendencies popping up in my life that I can't help but attribute to the nurture side, or my upbringing.

My upbringing being gymnastics.

There was practice. Sometimes 20 hours a week. 20 hours a week of being told to do it again because it wasn't right. Being told that that isn't what the judges are looking for. Being told to suck in your belly, and for me my ribs, because mine stuck out just a little too far.

There were the competitions. Competitions of who could be the most perfect really. Competitions where the long hours of preparation came down to 2.5 collective minutes you had on the floor and there were no do-overs.  Competitions where you were judged quantifiably by how perfect we were and a flexed foot could keep you from being .025 less perfect than the next girl to step onto the mat. Don't worry, you were already less because the better girls always got to perform last.

I spent 10 years in the gym, in the competitive arena, in the perfectionist world.

You may be asking why my parents let me be in that environment or why I wanted to be there. Its because I loved gymnastics that much. I absolutely loved it. The grueling hours and every blood, sweat, and tear. I was good at it and it felt like the place I got to shine.

There was so much more to it than the perfection. It taught me so much that I'm not sure anything else could have. It has molded me into the person I am today.

It taught me:

Self-motivation

Self-discipline

Self-confidence

How to get my body in shape

How to present yourself

How to be a leader

How to support others

Body awareness

Mental toughness

Physical toughness

Perseverance

Hard work

Dedication

Practice pays off

But practice doesn't always make perfect, no matter how bad you want it. Even though I learned so much, I have to recognize that one doesn't just shake that perfectionist mindset that I carried around for 10+ years.

I have been out of the gym for 6 years now. I still see my perfectionist mindset show up in my career, romantic relationship, friendships, hobbies, and use of social media. I fully embrace being a perfectionist. It is a part of who I am. There are a lot of positive attributes to it like being detail-oriented and driven.

However, it is important to recognize when perfectionism isn't serving me anymore. It is important to notice when it leads to negative self talk, comparison, and anxiety.

Perfection may have served me then in my gymnastics days, but it doesn't always serve me now.

So in this short blog series, I am exploring unlearning. Unlearning perfectionism. Unlearning the things that don't always serve me now. I'm unlearning that being perfect is everything, so I can learn that being me is enough.

The Biggest Mistake I've Made When It Comes to Decisions

Vladislav Babienko | Unsplash

I don’t always trust myself.

I don't always trust that I know what to do.

I get indecisive. I look to others for the answers. I may lean on the societal norm. I'm dying to know the RIGHT answer.

Even when I know what to do, I don't always trust that I'm cut out for it.

I question if I am ready for this, if I have enough experience, and if I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically capable.

I get to the point with decisions where I can't make one without just a little bit of anxiety, overthinking, and heartache.

When it comes to making a decision, sometimes the last thing I do is trust ourselves. When really the first thing we need to do is trust ourselves.

It is the biggest mistake I’ve made in a lot of my decision-making. I need to trust that I have the strength to do anything and everything will work out one way or another.

That is easier said than done and can't always be figured out with a pro-con list.

Whether its taking on new project at work, navigating a relationship with a significant other, or pursuing a new passion, it is easy to slip into a storm of indecisiveness and questioning.

I don't want to ride into that storm anymore that I have found myself in too often. I don't want my indecisiveness and questioning to hold me back from opportunities and what I actually want in life. I want to trust myself and live my life with more confidence and grace.

So here are 6 things I've found to help me trust myself to make a decision and skip the anxiety, overthinking, and heartache.

Recognize if fear is driving the decision over facts.

Sometimes we decide that we aren't capable or something isn't going to work out, but we don't have a way to explain why. Usually, it is because there is this intangible fear that is holding us back. If you don't have a reason why you're making a decision, you may be able to find clarity and comfort in the facts. Let that drive your decision.

You know you better than anyone else does.

Even if someone knows you, you know you better. You know what you really love, what your experiences are, what your perspective is, and what feels true to you. This won't change and don't let someone convince you otherwise.

Don't give power to things you don't care about.

We tend to give power to things we don't actually value for the purpose of fitting into the societal norm. We let society's traditional ways of doings things or definitions of success distract us from what we want to do and what success looks like to us. We need to give power to the things we do care about and let that drive our decision.

Know that you have the strength to make the decision, even if you don't know what it is.

This comes down to self talk. We need to convince ourselves that even if you don't know what the decision is, you know you have the strength inside of you to make it. The language you use with yourself goes a long way with being kind to yourself during the decision process.

Ask what would make you proud of yourself.

At the end of the day, what would make you most proud? What would make you feel like you pushed past complacency, got what you wanted instead of what someone else wanted, and helped you grow?

Know that even if it doesn't work out, there are still going to be good things in your life.

The sad reality is sometimes we are going to make a decision and later find out that its best to go in a different direction. Even if things don't work out,  it is important to recognize that it doesn't ruin your life. You can still have good things going for you and you have an intangible amount of learning to take away, possibly leading you to the next right decision.

And if none of these resonate with you, just breathing is always a good fall back.

Confessions of a Self Help Burnout

Unsplash | David Lezcano

If you're a self help junkie like me, you've been there, done that.

Read the books. Brene Brown, Rachel Hollis, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Listened to the podcasts. Jay Shetty, Tim Ferris, Lewis Howes.

Made rules for things you don't do. No dessert during the week.

Created routines and habits for things you do do. Alarm clock set for 5am.

Tracked this and logged that. I'm almost to my 10,000 steps today.

Tried something crazy someone you admired did. Early morning cold showers anyone? (I still haven't tried that one because it may just be that crazy).

But more than anything you have something inside of you that REFUSES TO BE AVERAGE.

Now of course, this refusal to be average is great and helps us reach our biggest goals. Wanting to be get better and be better is attractive to people and employers.

But at what point have you pushed too hard to be better? What is being better and when is it enough?

I would say I've been on this journey to "be better," or what I would call my "wellness journey," for about  2.5 years now. I hit rock bottom mentally and I knew I needed to be better.

I consumed all the self help content I could and did as much as I could to apply it to my life. However, I reached a point of consuming so much that it did not lead me to being better, but being hard on myself and anxious that I was always doing the wrong thing.

I entered self help burnout.

I'm still not sure when exactly it happened, but I know I felt it. I was, and still catch myself, on this continuous hamster wheel of wanting to get better and it can become exhausting.

So where is the boundary where the constant need to be better becomes too much?

I'm not sure if that boundary will ever be super clear, but there are a couple of questions that help me stay aligned to still moving forward with my personal growth, but not reach the point of burnout.

How can I get just 1% better today?

Not 150% better, but 1% better. Sometimes we put this expectation on ourselves that our growth in our careers, relationships, or physical body needs to be fast and exponential. This expectation can become unrealistic to the point where we don't appreciate even the 1% growth we made. If we are getting just 1% better every day, that is still growing.

Did I do my best today?

Your best means giving it all you got without diminishing your mental or physical health. Your best means putting forth the effort you know you can and being content with the result no matter what. Your best is enough and you know when you put it forth. That is something to be proud of.

How can I give myself grace today?

When I take friends to yoga for the first time, I tell them that you need to have confidence that you can do the pose,  and grace when you know your body cannot. I translate that to a lot of other parts of my life. We need to know that we can do anything, but we aren't going to be able to do everything. We need to have grace for ourselves.

Is this actually serving me or am I doing this because this is what "better" people do?

We are on social media all the time getting tips from the people we find successful or that we admire. They tell us to wake up before the sun or do some crazy diet. It is worth trying out these things that worked for them, but if you realize it isn't serving you, than it is no longer worth doing. You will be one of those "better" people by doing the things that serve you.

I embrace the fact that there will always be something inside of me that refuses to be average. The key is making sure that we are using that drive to do what serves us and not what burns us out. So be 1% better, do your best, give a little grace, and be a better you.

To My Furry Friend That is Gone

A therapeutic letter to my childhood pup that we lost on July 11, 2020.

To My Sampson:

I knew you were leaving soon, but still hard to believe you're gone. I'm not sure if its easier when it is expected. I'm going to say no.

I thought about what I wanted to write about you, as writing is how I let it all out. There is too much to say, yet a lot of it is indescribable.

One easy thing there is to say is that a bond with a dog, and you specifically, was special and can not be replicated with another person.

You were a constant during the changes.

You were there when I graduated high school, college, and when I moved away to start my adult life. You were there for every birthday as we, for some reason, always picked up your 75 pound body so you could see the cake and sing happy birthday too.

In your last months, we unexpectedly got to spend many hours and weeks together as the world was sent into quarantine. You sat with me as I worked from home, but also shared your love with mom and dad as they navigated unemployment, Lilly as her basketball season was cut short, and Ally as she was supposed to be enjoying her senior year of college with her friends.

You were a constant during all of it. Your love and hugs never wavered, and got us through it all.

You just knew.

I never had to tell you what I was feeling because you already knew. You can read me better than anyone else. And unlike a human, you don't need an explanation for the bad days. You were just content being there.

You also knew when it is time to go. You're our second pup that has passed. Our first pup Charlie went when we were on vacation. I think he knew we weren't ready to handle the pain of him going.

This time, mom and dad got home from dinner and let you outside. I wasn't there, but I picture you slowly grazing around our front yard and then laying down, knowing its ok to shut your squinty eyes. I think you knew to wait for mom and dad to get home so they could see you one more time and know that you went in peace.

You made sure we never felt alone.

They say a dog is a man's best friend, but you were more like a shadow. You followed us everywhere, especially mom.

There could have been no one else in the house but you and me, and you were all the company I needed. You had such a personality that I could just sit there and talk to you. I imagined you responding in an Eeyore voice from Winnie the Pooh.

Mom and Dad gave me a pillow when I was away at college with your face on it so I still didn't feel alone when I away from you. I laughed when I got, but it has sat on my bed everyday for the past 5 years, and now I'm hugging it tighter than ever.

You were a calming presence that everything was going to be ok and I am thankful to of had that in my life.

The short, brown dog hair will slowly fade from the couches and there will be no more slobber marks on our windows, car seats, and legs, but you will remain in our hearts forever. We love you Sampson pup!

How I Became More Present at Home

Lately, we have been forced to make our homes a multifunctional space. Ya know, quarantine and all.

I found the trickiest thing about doing everything in my home though was going from one activity to the next, and getting my brain to follow along with it.

Going from working on the couch to relaxing on the couch, it was hard for my brain to go from productivity mode to relaxation mode. Going from meditating on my bedroom floor to doing workouts in the same spot, it was hard to get my brain from quiet to motivated.

Not to mention doing all these things in the same space tended to make me feel stir crazy and claustrophobic.

It was a challenge for me to get present as I changed activities, but stayed in the same spot.

So I decided to create a space for each activity and each mindset.

And in a 1,500 square foot apartment with a roommate, I knew I had to get creative. I even created spaces that weren't really there I guess you could say by placing a blanket on the floor or making a little nook in a part of the room.

Now there is a place for everything and everything is in its place (including my brain)…

The desk and desk chair are for working.

The fuzzy blanket on the floor is for meditation and prayer.

The bed is for sleeping and reading.

The couch is for screen time and relaxing.

The outside is for workouts and yoga.

The spot by the window is for journaling and creative work.

Doing this has allowed me to be more present in each part of my day. It has allowed me to get my brain in the zone I want it to be in. More than anything, it has allowed me to fully enjoy each small moment of my day.

If you're in a similar situation as me where you're entering week 13 of working from home (so thankful to even have that option), making a place for everything has been a major reason I have been loving and fully embracing the work from home life.

But even post-pandemic, I see myself continuing this practice of making a place for everything in my home as I continue to try to be more mindful and present in my life.